Stereotypes are a real time-saver
Friday, the New York Times ran an article titled: Honey, Don’t Bother Mommy. I’m Too Busy Building My Brand. The title made me cringe and the article I could take or leave.
Over the course of the weekend, several others offered rebuttals:
Honey, Don’t Bother Mommy. I’m Writing a Mildly Annoyed Letter to the New York Times.
Newspaper Bias Against Mom Bloggers
An Open Letter to the New York Times About Mom Bloggers, Women Writers & the Universe
I started to pen this whole analysis of the original article and follow up ones, but frankly, I ran out of steam. Each article (including even the original one from the New York Times) had some really great points and some lines that made me roll my eyes. So I’ll let you peruse those at your leisure.
The articles above actually got me thinking more about gender roles and stereotypes. Rich and I discuss it a lot when we watch television. If you watch commercials, I’m sure you know that all men are stupid and all women are nags. Men are just as messy as the kids and need to be cleaned up after, so you better get those name brand paper towels. Women are fickle but if you give her diamonds she’ll probably have sex with you. It’s unilaterally insulting.
Jeremy and I ran across these assumptions, particularly when we were baron and baroness in the SCA. It was important to us that people coordinated with both of us versus only me. We didn’t want us to fall into rolls of him being a dancing bear and me being the bitchy organized one. It was a great lesson in using “We” instead of “I” and helped our marriage too.
The other day I sent this article to Rich: Please Get My Husband to Stop Helping Around the House. It actually led to an argument later that evening. We’re probably both a little sensitive about things like that these days, but I got annoyed that he washed the diapers because I wanted to try something new and I hadn’t explained it to him yet. We’re falling all over ourselves trying to help our collective household and we’re getting in each other’s way sometimes. It’s something that sitcoms and stand-up comics and newspapers and television exploit. But the truth is usually a lot more complicated.
Rich, who until meeting me claimed to not like cats at all, is solely responsible for cleaning the cat boxes. I am the designated lawn mower in our house, even when seven months pregnant (though we did just buy a new mower and I’ll probably let him have the maiden ride around the yard just because the old mower was such a thorn in his side). We each do our own laundry. Rich is much more vigilant with the vacuum than I am. I do 90% of the cooking, though Rich is making real progress in that area. I showed Rich how to do his own sewing project on Saturday. Our lives, and roles, are not quite what Johnson & Johnson, NBC or the New York Times would have you believe.
Do you think men suffer from gender stereotypes as much as women do? Do you think media is more biased than individuals are? Do you get annoyed when you do things that are stereotypical of your gender/race/age/nationality? Do stereotypes ever serve a purpose?
I absolutely believe men are subject to gender stereotypes, although I feel they tend to be a bit less harmful and pervasive. But my husband and I also constantly talk about how every commercial shows a dumb husband and a wife who's babying him and hiding things from him (like cookies or expensive purchases). It's so cliche that it's gross.
We've only been married a year and four months, so we're still figuring out who does what at home. Some thing have settled into a happy pattern/division, but others are still nitpicked over. But the things that are settled are based on our lives. I do the laundry because I have the clearest chunk of time for it, not because I'm the wife and/or have any particular interest in detergent.
The media portrayal of marriage (especially in advertising) is endlessly annoying.
Anyone who says that men are not subject to problematic gender issues too is blind. It just so happens that our society in large part is patriarchal and it's clear that while stereotypes and rigid gender roles do men a disservice too, most of the time it also gives them privilege. But either way, it hurts everyone.
Media more biased than individuals – depends on the individual, honestly. I tend to think individuals are pretty willing to leave lots of stones unturned when it comes to gender roles.
There are entire doctorate theses written on these topics… and in the non-academia world, I'm sure more blog posts than I could imagine. I think what I take away from it is to try to always take me knee jerk reaction to people and pick it apart and challenge my assumptions about people. Do stereotypes have a role? Well, they play a role, but how much power we let them have is up to us.
Speaking of marriage, I found <a href="http://jezebel.com/5492973/is-the-happy-wives-club-really-going-to-put-an-end-to-the-desperate-housewife-stereotype?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+jezebel%2Ffull+%28Jezebel%29" rel="nofollow">this Jezebel bit interesting. Of course I'm not married, but that's half out of laziness.
Jack and I split responsibilities but honestly if there is any model our relationship follows its the one my parents have where the lady of the house gives orders. He just doesn't carry them out unless he wants to.
After twelve years in the fire department, I find that the question I get asked first the vast majority of the time is, "Do they let you drive?"
Nope. I'm just here to cook and clean the toilets. Argh.
Oh my god, I just read all of those articles more or less and there's things in both the original NYT article and all the retorts to be annoyed at. Phew. I wonder if we rolled our eyes at the same lines.
Okay, I admit that I didn't read the articles, but agree that stereotypes harm both genders by seeing them merely as another instead of an individual.
Alan is far more fastidious at cleaning than I am, certainly not the stupid lazy stereotype. He vacuums, cleans the bathrooms, waters the plants, and is much quicker to clear the dishes than I. I do the laundry regularly. God, I'm lazy when you lay it out like that.
Then again no one expects how we are after work. He's the chatty one talking about his day and I'm the one nodding and um-huming. Stereotypes rob us of our individuality.
Stereotypes are shorthand. We use them when we don't have the time or inclination to learn about the individual. I agree with Jen when she says that "stereotypes rob us of our individuality." That's the point of a stereotypes.
Somehow I find myself in a very traditional division of labor in my household. It's surprising because of my feminist beliefs, but I think it's more related to personality types than gender expectations. I stayed home with the kids because Ben has more earning potential. (A stereotype reinforced by the reality of women earning 70 cents to a man's dollar.) He makes the majority of our money. I do the majority of housework because 1- he's a slob and I'm not and 2-I'm home a lot more than he is. I'm more organized than he is, so I end up handling our calendar and the kid's schedule. He takes care of the spiders in the house. (I really don't like spider. Yes, I am that stereotype.) But we don't expect it to be that way because of our gender. It's just kind of worked out that way, and I know that if I could make as much money as Ben, he would happily take care of the kids and the house while I brought home the bacon.
Ok, I did not have time to read the article, but I did read the comments. As a man I could not help but notice a couple of things about this.
First, the string of comments to this point is from folks whose names lead one to believe they are women. Nothing wrong with that, I love women, the look, and the smell, the feel…ok enough said
Secondly, I do find it interesting how convinced women are that men might have trouble with the gender expectations society has of them. Actually, I see it completely different. As a guy, I like having society in general to have certain expectations of me. Trust me, you want a certain amount of peer pressure on guys. Sure there are those that are required (of at least presumed to be) by women, but the standards that concern most men are those that are set by other men. Often as guys, we hear and use the phrase, “be a man”, man up, grow some stones etc etc.. when dealing with our fellows. Sorry girls but for most guys there are certain things we expect of our contemporaries. Don’t whine, don’t expect someone to let you win; always pay your debts, that kind of stuff. And while those can cause one some discomfort when conforming to them is not easy or convenient, there is a certain sense of inner peace when a man stands back and looks at something or some time in his life and is able to tell himself , “yeah, I’m the man, I can take care of things, etc.
Please do not think me boorish, Just calling it as I see it. (another guy thing)
Ok, I did not have time to read the article, but I did read the comments. As a man I could not help but notice a couple of things about this.
First, the string of comments to this point is from folks whose names lead one to believe they are women. Nothing wrong with that, I love women, the look, and the smell, the feel…ok enough said
Secondly, I do find it interesting how convinced women are that men might have trouble with the gender expectations society has of them. Actually, I see it completely different. As a guy, I like having society in general to have certain expectations of me. Trust me, you want a certain amount of peer pressure on guys. Sure there are those that are required (of at least presumed to be) by women, but the standards that concern most men are those that are set by other men. Often as guys, we hear and use the phrase, “be a man”, man up, grow some stones etc etc.. when dealing with our fellows. Sorry girls but for most guys there are certain things we expect of our contemporaries. Don’t whine, don’t expect someone to let you win; always pay your debts, that kind of stuff. And while those can cause one some discomfort when conforming to them is not easy or convenient, there is a certain sense of inner peace when a man stands back and looks at something or some time in his life and is able to tell himself , “yeah, I’m the man, I can take care of things, etc.
Please do not think me boorish, Just calling it as I see it. (another guy thing)